It is scary to fall in love with someone as soon as you meet them. This is a song about fighting for love, as Oliver Nelson sings, now I'll find.
A reader emailed me with the question, "What's the best way to get over falling in love with someone you met via online dating that you've actually never met in person?" Although I appreciate that the reader thinks she has a broken heart, I had to answer this way:
Here is the good news. Getting over this person will not be difficult for you at all. Why do I say this? Because while I am sure that you think you are in love, you are not. Here is my opinion.
A person cannot fall in love with someone he or she has never met in person. You can chat for hours, days, even months or years online, and that includes Facetiming. You can really, really, really get to know someone, and the potential for real love can certainly be present. In other words, online chatting is a very real way to connect and decide if there are possibilities for the two of you. But, the bottom line is, an online relationship just isn't the real thing. Until the two of you get your bodies into the same room for a certain amount of time, you won't know if you love each other.
Some might disagree with me, but here is the question I have. How can two people be in love if they have never touched each other? I'm not talking about sex, I'm referring to simply feeling the other's skin. How about smell? There is a certain warmth and smell to someone that comes from being close, burying your nose in her neck, the smell of her hair, the smell of her skin. Can't get that via Facetime.
How can two people be in love when their lips have never touched? Isn't a kiss oftentimes the magic that helps you realize you've found true love? (or maybe this kiss makes you realize the opposite-that you aren't in love.) And, can you really say you're in love with a person whose hand you have never held or whose breath you have never breathed in?
Also, falling in love means spending a significant amount of time with someone, not pre-scheduling Facetime meetings where you can look your best and get into the perfect mental state to talk. Being in love means experiencing the vulnerability of him or her seeing you at your worst, both physically-meaning the times you have bedhead or when you have a terrible cold, and mentally, if you just lost your job or heard a family member was ill.
Despite the fact that online chats or Facetiming can include meaningful conversations, both can put you in situations where you are well prepared. True love exists when you are the opposite of prepared, when you are a mess, when you have a fit, or when you cry uncontrollably.
Think about it. When someone sends you a text, you have as long as you need or want to respond. Therefore, there is no authenticity or spontaneity in the conversation. In Facetiming, you can set up the lighting and background, and make yourself look as attractive as you'd like. If a person is self-conscious about his/her body, they can hide it. If he has a receding hairline, he can wear a baseball cap. If she has a scar, she can easily hide it. Can't do that in person.
On a real date, both people have the luxury of looking at EVERYTHING. Hands, toes (if she's wearing sandals), legs, arms, hair, smile, teeth, and most importantly (to me) eyes.
How can someone fall in love without looking into the other's eyes? I think it's impossible.
Also, in person dating allows the people to eventually see where and how the other lives, from the neighborhood to the smell of the inside of his/her home to the person's bed. There are a million little things that make us fall in love, and most of those aren't present during an online situation.
In closing, there is nothing wrong with online dating, in fact it's a great way to start a relationship. But no way is it possible to fall in love until you spend some real time in the other's arms. I will say one other thing. You might look back and realize you were in love before you met in person, but honestly, you will never really know if that was the case.
Dating is scary, and many people feel more comfortable hiding behind the conveniences of modern day technology. These technologies take away what most of us fear most in dating: vulnerability. It is such a shame because anyone who has ever really been in love will tell you that if you have the guts to be vulnerable and show the other person who you really are, and the person accepts and loves you with all of your flaws, there's really no better feeling in the world. And that just can't happen online.
Jackie Pilossoph is the author of her blog, Divorced Girl Smiling, and the comedic divorce novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. She also writes feature stories, along with the weekly dating and relationships column, Love Essentially" for Chicago Tribune Media Group local publications. Pilossoph lives in Chicago. Oh, and she's divorced.
This is why I, for example, might fall in love with someone at first sight, while is sometimes interpreted as falling in love with the person upon meeting him for.
Let your heart sing.
Often times when that song comes on, our minds immediately float off to the one person in our lives. Heck, I didn’t even know I still had feelings for my ex until Usher's “You Got It Bad” came on one day while I was I driving. There's nothing like being on a three-hour car ride with nothing but you and your thoughts.
Somehow, music has the ability to whimsically serenade lyrics onto us that we just can’t put into words ourselves. Love hurts, but it also is the best feeling in the world, right? And 90 percent of the music out there are songs about falling in love.
Here are 40 of the best love songs that will get stuck in your head and make your heart sing.
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change 'cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
When you're in love, your person is always amazing. Time stands still and everything just seems perfect.
RELATED: 20 Perfect Songs To Show Your Guy Just How Much You Adore Him
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of
The highest power, in lonely hours, the tears devour you
This song is very intense, but isn't that just the feeling of love anyway? It's the best.
I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall
If you haven't listened to this song, do yourself a favor and just do it. It's hard to NOT think about the person you're in love with while listening.
I don't think you're right for him
Think of what it might have been if we
Took a bus to Chinatown
I'd be standin' on Canal and Bowery
She'd be standin' next to me
Upbeat with a happy tune. The lyrics and the melody are the perfect combination to daydream about lover-boy/girl.
Oh, let's get rich and buy our parents
Homes in the South of France
Let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters
And teach them how to dance
Let's get rich and build our house on a mountain
Making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I
Even if you're not falling in love right now, you'll feel like you are after listening to this song.
How long will I love you
As long as stars are above you
And longer if I can
How long will I need you
As long as the seasons need to
Follow their plan
Yearning, longing, loving — Goulding always just knows the right words to say about love when you can't find them yourself.
'Cause I hope
We will never have to take back
What we said in the night
I hope that I will always have
All eyes on you
Know that I will take what I can
When you are there standing by
Soft, spoken in the dead of night
All eyes on you
Upbeat and addicting. All eyes on you for when you have your eyes locked on your loved one.
I see the crystal raindrops fall
And the beauty of it all
Is when the sun comes shining through
To make those rainbows in my mind
When I think of you sometime
And I want to spend some time with you
This song speaks of the feelings you get in the honeymoon stage. Rainbows in my mind? I mean, come on.
Oh, it's a beautiful thing
Don't think I can keep it all in
I've just gotta let you know
What it is that won't let me go
How can I make a list for songs about falling in love and not include Tim McGraw? It's expected and you're welcome.
And you know one of these days when I get my money right
Buy you everything and show you all the finer things in life
Will forever be enough, so there ain't no need to rush
But one day, I won't be able to ask you loud enough
This song has become very popular for obvious reasons. People everywhere are falling in love and all over themslves. We just can't seem to pull ourselves together listening to this.
And so it is, just like you said it would be
Life goes easy, on me, most of the time
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off of you
Beautiful and almost haunting. Just the words "I can't keep my eyes off of you" will make your heart pull.
Shine a light through an open door
Love and life I will divide
Turn away 'cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind
So what? You met your boyfriend at a dive bar and you're head over heels in love with him. Rihanna knew what she was talking about when she said "we found love in a hopeless place."
Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can’t help falling in love with you
Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be.
A remake of the oldie, but still so good. Falling in love happens fast, that's why it's called falling. And you can't help it!
I miss you ev'ry single day
Why must my life be filled with sorrow
Oh love you more than I can say
Sometimes you're falling in love, and sometimes it hurts when things aren't quite aligned. This song speaks of that feeling.
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
This song will speak to anyone who has fallen in love but nothing progresses. It just leaves you falling.
When I talk to my friends so quietly
Who he think he is? Look at what you did to me
Tennis shoes don't even need to buy a new dress
If you ain;t there, ain't nobody there to impress
It's the way that you know what I thought I knew
It's the beat my heart skips when I'm with you
Beyoncé knows a thing or two about love and we love that this song is about Jay Z and has Jay Z in it. And who doesn't want to have a relationship like them?
What you've got, boy, is hard to find
I think about it all the time
I'm all strung out, my heart is fried
I just can't get you off my mind
Love is addicting, much like a drug is. This song is all about that hard to resist feeling of falling in love with someone.
Get me a drink, I get drunk off one sip
Just so I can adore you
I want the entire street out of town
Just so I can be alone with you
Now go when your ready my heads
Getting heavy pressed against your arm
I adore you
I mean, it's just such a good song. Reminiscent of being young and falling in love, feeling like the whole world melts away and it's just you and that one person.
'Cause after all this time
I'm still into you
I should be over all the butterflies, but I'm into you
And even baby on your worst nights
I'm into you
When you're in love, no matter for how long, that person just has the ability to do no wrong. That's love for ya.
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
There's two reasons why people in love just want to lay in bed all day: you want to be near that person away from everyone else, and... you know.
RELATED: 17 Most Romantic Love Songs Of ALL TIME (Chosen By Iconic Musicians)
I'm in love with the shape of you
We push and pull like a magnet do
Although my heart is falling too
I'm in love with your body
This might be the only song that is played on the radio to this day, yet it is the perfect song about falling in love and the instant attraction that goes with it.
Cause every time I'm near you I just seem to lose my head
And spend my time admiring instead
Biologically speaking, our brains do funny things when we're in love. We get kind of stupid and goo-goo eyed, and you know what? That's okay!
You are beautiful
Like a dream come alive, incredible
A centerfold miracle, lyrical
You saved my life again
This song is like when you realize for the first time that you actually are falling for this person.
Well, I wanna love you, forever I do
I wanna spend all of my days with you
Will carry your burdens and be the wind at your back
Well, I wanna spend my forever, forever like that
Falling in love or in a committed relationship, this song goes the extra mile. Forever, baby!
Love is in the air, everywhere I look around
Love is in the air, every sight and every sound
The birds chirp, the sun shines, you say, "Good morning!" to strangers. Yeah, love makes everything better, including your outlook.
I don't know what the plan is
But you can share with me
'Cause I'll be listening here
To everything you say, I won't turn away
And I listen, open up my heart and
I must say that I love you, so
When you're falling in love with someone, you are just naturally going to make yourself available anyway you can for that person. This song speaks of that.
I know your insides are feeling so hollow
And it's a hard pill for you to swallow, yeah
But if I fall for you, I'll never recover
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same
Another one of the best love songs that has become super popular. It's about that love in your life that just changes everything, and nothing will ever be the same.
Every night before she goes to bed
She hits her knees and bows her head
Thanks the Lord for another day
I just thank him for my girl
When you're falling in love, it's easy to feel grateful for what you have in your life. I mean, that's what life is all about.
Yours was the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
Often times when we fall in love, it's as if it's the first time even if we've been in love before.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off you
Another goo-goo-eyed love song. I guess we all do "the love stare" when we're falling. Feast your eyes and your ears on this song.
I was fine, just a guy living on my own,
Waiting for the sky to fall.
Then you called and changed it all, doll.
When love comes along and life has not been very kind to us, it can give us a new lease on life. This song is perfect for those who have been given that one person who seems to make everything better.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Ah yes, being alone with the person you love most. Feelings of rejuvenation and safety.
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
'Cause maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me
We all feel like we have been saved when we start falling in love with someone. And 90s kids can relate well.
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along, cause even if you’re wrong
I’ll stand by you
This song is all about standing by that person, through thick and thin. Being the shoulder to cry on for them and giving it everything you've got.
And I wonder
As I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
Nothing lasts forever, but listening to this song while you're in the middle of falling in love might just make that feeling last a little longer.
All my life, I prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I finally found you
When you meet that person that's just right for you and is exactly what you've always wanted in a partner, there is nothing better. This song says it just right.
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
We have all felt like someone was meant for us. Jewel's lyrics in this song have the power to give just a few simple words more feeling and emotion.
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
Madonna had it right. Falling in love can feel like we're a little crazy. Just one touch? We can feel the shivers.
At last, my love has come along
And my lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Who doesn't love this song? Her voice is unreal and even if you're not in love, you always sing along. Then, of course, your mind goes to that person who you're secretly in love with. Great.
In your eyes
The light, the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
When you just don't have the words to tell someone you love them, you feel like it's impossible. But this song just proves how you can't escape love you feel so strongly.
RELATED: 15 Timeless Songs By The Beatles That Perfectly Describe Your Love
Christina Wright is a New York based freelance writer covering entertainment, beauty, interior design and all things fashionably interesting. Christina mostly enjoys reading, and doing things “for the funny story later.”
Feeling those butterflies immediately? There's a reason for that. As neuropsychotherapist Dr. Trisha Stratford told The Huffington Post, when you feel like you're falling in love, a chemical reaction is actually happening in your brain, releasing all those warm, fuzzy feelings. Your brain is creating dopamine and serotonin, and Stratford said that it "looks like the brain of someone high on heroin." Because of those chemicals, you may feel an instant attachment to someone, and as long as your brain can sense that attachment is returned, it is on.
"When you look into another person's eyes, your adaptive oscillators — which are part of the prefrontal vortex, which is the orbital frontal complex — these lock between you and your partner and it forms this loop," Stratford said. "The greater the feeling here, the stronger the feeling of love. From there, these adaptive oscillators just pull you together and guide the two mouths together and you kiss. So there are chemicals in everything."
A study from the Kinsey Institute found that the brain of a person falling in love looks the same as the brain of a person who has taken cocaine.
The subconscious mind works in a very simplistic manner. In fact, this simplicity has been the cause of many misjudgements, stereotypes and wrong beliefs all throughout the ages. You see, our subconscious mind forms opinions without us even realising it. These then spill through to our conscious thinking and we react according to them.
Put simply, our subconscious mind is not perfect. It makes mistakes. And one such mistake (which is the focal point of this article) it makes is assuming that people who have similar facial features … have the same personality type. This mistake can directly affect the process of falling in love at first sight.
Let’s first clarify our definition of “love at first sight”. Here, I’m using the phrase ‘love at first sight’ as meaning falling in love with someone after seeing them for the very first time (and not necessarily having spoken to them).
Each of us has our own perception of beauty based on our own background. We all see beauty differently. To give you an example, if you were to see someone in the street who resembled:
then there is a strong possibility that you’d find him/her physically appealing, even if other people think he/she is just average. The subconscious has formed a connection between the physical appearance of this new person and a person from your past or in your circle (who looks like him/her) who has made a positive impact in your life.
You may be unconscious of the fact that this new person looks like someone else from your life who has influenced you in a positive way, but your subconscious will have picked up on it right away.
Impression formation is the psychological term for the way the subconscious mind interprets facial features like this. We tend to relate facial features with characteristics. For example, you may have met a person who reminded you of someone from your past who you didn’t like (maybe a bully from school, or a teacher you didn’t get along with), and you found yourself not liking this new person very much because of it.
It doesn’t make any sense for the subconscious mind to dislike this new person just because he/she looks like a person you don’t like. But this is what happens. This shows us how illogical the subconscious mind can be.
We can also see this illogicality in the way our subconscious minds causes us to fall in love at first sight. People can fall in love at first sight if the new person they see looks like someone they once loved before or someone who had a positive impact on your life. The subconscious makes the opinion that because this new person looks like someone from your past that was good for you, this new person might be good for you too.
You see, the subconscious will always try to look out for your well-being, and this is what it is trying to do here. It is trying to make you attracted to this new person so that you will do everything in your power to get with them, and hopefully (according to the subconscious mind and its opinion), this new person will give you positive emotions just like the person from your past did.
Love at first sight has nothing to do with good looks. If love were dependent on good looks, then we would all fall in love every time we walked down the street and saw good looking people. By the time we’d get home, we’d have fallen in love multiple times.
The real secret behind why we fall in love at first sight is because something in the way this particular person happens to look, has triggered a comparison in our subconscious mind to someone from our past who meant a lot to us. This is why I, for example, might fall in love with someone at first sight, while you might think they are just average.
When a person experiences love at first sight, he tends to think that because he “loved” the person the moment he saw her, it must be “destiny” and thinks that the person is “The One”. While thinking we have found “The One” can make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside, if a breakup then occurs we would be devastated because we will think we have lost someone magical because of the magical way we just happened to be attracted to them when we first saw them.
The only one to blame for this is the person’s subconscious mind. If you have an ex from your past who you thought was “fated” for you because you fell in love with him/her at first sight, realize that there wasn’t anything really special at all about them but instead your subconscious mind just tricked you into becoming attached to them.
“Love at first sight” is sometimes interpreted as falling in love with the person upon meeting him for the first time (and not on the first time you actually “saw” him/her). In this case, something must have happened in the first meeting itself that triggered your subconscious into becoming attracted to his person.
I know this only too well because it happened to me! Here’s what happened …
Several years ago, I was at a party when I met this girl. We were talking away when all of a sudden, “boom” I fell for her. It happened really quickly. I fell in “love at first sight” and I loved that girl for a long afterwards.
It wasn’t until years later when I studied the psychology of love that I realised what had happened in that first meeting. It wasn’t “destiny,” “fate”. Nor was she “The One”. It was actually nothing like that. You see, I was at a low point in my life when I met her. I was in need of nurturing. And this particular girl was very friendly.
So, here I was with an unmet need in my life (I needed nurturing) and here was a woman who was giving it to me. My subconscious immediately recognised that this person could fix a problem in my life and bring me back in balance. And what did it do to make sure I would do everything in my power to bring this woman into my life? It made me fall in love with her. This would be a fail-proof way to make sure that I would try to get her into my life any which way I could so that she could satisfy my unmet need.
Doesn’t sound very romantic does it? But that’s what my subconscious mind did. And that’s what it does for lots of people out there. This is how and why the subconscious mind makes people fall in love.
What we’ve gone through in this article may not be the view of love which you would have liked to read about. But this is simply how love works. But there is a positive to be taken from this. A big positive.
If “The One” has just dumped you, or if there is an ex from your past that you just can’t get over, you should be able to see now how irrational it is to be longing for someone who your subconscious simply tricked you into falling in love with.
When you understand how love is really induced in you, it can free you from this type of pain where you find yourself still in love with someone that you can’t have.
John Alex Clark is a Relationship Coach & NLP Practitioner from Dublin Ireland. He is also an entrepreneur, a motivational speaker, and an author.
His background in relationship coaching, neuro-linguistic-programming, science, psychology and perhaps most importantly – innovation, have created a unique skill-set which he has concentrated mainly in the field of love psychology. He is recognized as the world’s leading expert in the field of Lovemaps (the field of study into how to make someone fall in love with you).
He is the founder of the relationship advice website www.RelationshipPsychology.com and is the author of the two best-selling relationship programs:
• THE LOVEMAP CODE: How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You Using Psychology; and
• THE ERASE CODE: How To Get Over Anyone In Less Than A Week Using Psychology
His book THE LOVEMAP CODE is the first book to be released on the topic of Lovemaps since Dr. John Moneys (the man who coined the term Lovemap) death in 2006 and marks a major step forward in our understanding of this field.
You can find John Alex at RelationshipPsychology.com, and check out the main sections of his website “How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You”and “How To Fall Out Of Love With Someone” …and learn more about him at About Me.
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Let me define falling in love as well as I can, so we know what we are talking about. It is as if there is a magnetic attraction to the other person that and over again at that same time trying to meet her again; but he never did.